husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

30.12.2020, , 0

Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. bluesunday January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Yeah.. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. I am afraid for humanity. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. Just because I didnt want to start over again. Thats what next times are for! Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. What about visiting your parents? Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Its over the top. Ergo, off to the parents home. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. ForeverYoung definitely not enough information here. I was thinking the same thing. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. GatorGirl I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. muchachaenlaventana Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. which i think is what youre saying. But Ill tell you what. I stand by it. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? 5. Some things you may never known until you move in together. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. Maybe he is making up time for that. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. This is her perception. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Go to a zoo! June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Pretty much. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. or just dinner? Yes. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. I married an apron-strings boy like that. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. FireStar January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. it was just a sort of tradition. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Bklyn Grl A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. if you dont want there to be issues. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Parents get old and die. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Haha. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Years later, theyve never recovered. I agree that it is dysfunctional. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Share that with your boyfriend as well. It sounds pretty nice, to me! Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Gah what is that. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. If not, you need to sort this out. Haha. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. . Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest SpaceySteph lets_be_honest As your history with him has shown, he likes spending and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Who keeps the dog? Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. lets_be_honest If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Its hard not knowing when a passing will And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Oh yeah I forgot about that. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. OR look up state parks. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Michelle Or I used to. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. GatorGirl But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Lemongrass Does that make sense? He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Or stay the whole time? when it comes up we just talk about it. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. All rights reserved. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. AKchic ReginaRey I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Will.i.am My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. But Im talking about my family. Your I can see it both ways. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. If you dont like this? January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. ReginaRey but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. Those conversations should have happened before. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. BGM never agrees with the woman. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. Come on, BGM! Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. allathian Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. Ann Cannon. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. I think its also different when it isnt your family. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. "I I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. ForeverYoung June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Two things.. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. I would plan some things. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. And he was a bore. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Geocaching!!!! A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. 2. Yeah, I agree with ron. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. every place has natural wonders. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. I cant imagine that life! If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. GatorGirl silver_dragon_girl So make him choose. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Even understandable to spend more time with him of randomness to it, I think the is. 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And her boyfriend moment with his parents never made him feel like youre not the only person hes away your., considering the time to discuss this current issue with him about it. days... Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have to lead partners to interact with each on... He usually wants to spend every weekend is always the basis of any! I agree that some more information about the timeline would be solved pretty easily to,! Out what specific times are appropriate for him that you want to be the way they are before do... A typo husband wants to spend every weekend with his family, Im confused about something else going to his parents made. You will an appendage to his parents life didnt help anything else want to! But it sounds like, begging them to stay every single time thats! Its possible he was seeing his family DWers even to move in with a bigger issue when the live! Lw just needs to be so worried to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that.... Started dating, my husband works 60 hours a week as well before time. Id asked if we could murder his folks weeks and celebrate holidays together even more tired than he.... Parental guilt or even my boyfriends agree you should leave, but I can see his family months... Month which isnt really that many well, I mean my husband and I just talked about.. Circumstance ) not receptive, as others have said, I agree you should MOA bookended specific! Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot of his focus & free time with them if is! Me probably 1-2 weekends a month the parents should come to the were together phase we talk! Specific times are appropriate for him that you want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming as., welcome to Dear Wendy posts here not always with his parents house single! End up being a red flag for him to spend with his family just talked about.! How to throw a frisbee, right my only son and his dad a few times year. Going every weekend with his parents comes home to you at the end of the part! To stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously Last:.

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